How to Align Your Life With Your Values When Real Life Makes It Complicated

You know what matters to you.

At least, you're starting to.

You know you want more peace. More freedom. More time for the people you love. Maybe financial stability matters more than it used to. Maybe growth does. Honesty. Connection. Family.

You've done enough thinking about yourself to know that some things matter deeply to you.

So why doesn't your life always reflect it?

That's where learning how to align your life with your values gets a little more complicated than making a list of your core values and promising yourself you're going to live by them.

Because then real life shows up.

Somebody needs something.

An opportunity looks good on paper but doesn't feel right.

You know you need to say no, but here comes guilt.

You finally decide what you want, then immediately start wondering what everybody else is going to think about it.

Or maybe you're stuck between two choices because both of them represent something that's important to you.

And suddenly you're thinking:

"Why can't I just make up my mind?"

Maybe that's not the problem.

Maybe you know yourself better than you think.

Knowing Your Values Isn't the Same as Living Them

There's a difference between being able to say:

"Peace matters to me."

and actually allowing peace to influence your choices.

Because your life isn't created by the values you write down.

It's created through what happens after you write them down.

What gets your time?

What gets your attention?

What gets your money?

What gets your energy?

What gets protected on your calendar?

What gets pushed to "when I have time" over and over again?

What do you automatically say yes to?

What do you keep tolerating even though something in you has been saying, "I don't want this anymore"?

Those regular, everyday choices are creating a life.

So here's a question worth sitting with:

If somebody couldn't ask you what your values were and could only look at how you live, what would they think matters most to you?

Don't use that question to beat yourself up.

This isn't a gotcha.

It's information.

Because there may be a very good reason your life doesn't completely reflect the values you consciously say matter to you.

You may be living by some values and priorities you never consciously chose.

Some of Your Rules Were Handed to You

None of us started with a blank slate.

You learned what a good mother does.

What a responsible woman does.

What success looks like.

What family means.

How hard you're supposed to work.

When you're allowed to rest.

What you're supposed to sacrifice.

What you should be able to handle without asking anybody for help.

And some of what you learned may still fit you beautifully.

I'm not here to tell you that everything you learned from your family or the people who raised you needs to be unpacked, healed, released and thrown away.

Baby, no.

Some of what I was taught, I'm keeping.

Thank you very much.

The question is whether you've ever consciously decided what you're keeping.

There's a difference between:

"This matters to me."

and:

"I've always treated this as important because I learned that someone like me is supposed to."

Maybe you've always believed that being successful means moving up.

More money.

Bigger title.

More responsibility.

Then an opportunity comes along that gives you exactly that.

Everybody is congratulating you.

And you're sitting there thinking:

"I don't even want this."

That doesn't automatically mean you're afraid of success.

Maybe your definition of success has changed.

Maybe freedom is one of your highest values now.

Maybe time matters more.

Maybe flexibility matters more.

Maybe you're building a life where having more responsibility simply because you can handle more responsibility isn't particularly appealing anymore.

Now you have a different question to ask.

Does this opportunity support the life I'm actually trying to build?

That's a values question.

And you can't answer it using somebody else's definition of success.

Reflection: Where in your life are you still following a rule that you've never stopped to ask whether you consciously choose today?

If you're not completely clear about your own core values yet, that's where I would start. My free Core Values Finder can help you identify what actually matters to you before you start trying to build your choices around it.

What Happens When Two Things You Value Conflict?

Here's another reason living according to your values isn't always simple.

Your values can compete.

You can value family and peace.

Security and freedom.

Connection and independence.

Generosity and financial stability.

Honesty and keeping an important relationship intact.

Now what?

I think this is where a lot of women start calling themselves indecisive.

You keep going back and forth.

One minute you're sure.

Then you're not.

Then you're sure again.

Then you call your friend.

Then somebody says something that makes sense.

Now you're back where you started.

Girl.

You may not be confused.

You may be trying to find a choice where everything you care about wins.

And sometimes that choice does not exist.

Let's say someone in your family needs help.

Family matters deeply to you.

But so does peace.

Maybe this isn't the first time this person has needed you to step in. You've fixed, rearranged, carried and lost sleep over some version of this situation more than once.

Family says:

"Show up."

Peace says:

"You cannot keep doing this."

Which value is right?

Both of them.

The question isn't which value is good and which one is bad.

The question is:

Which one needs to lead in this particular decision?

Maybe you decide this situation is important enough that family leads.

You show up.

You rearrange your plans.

And you don't spend three days accusing yourself of putting yourself last because you intentionally chose to be there.

Or maybe peace leads this time.

You love them.

You care.

And you decide you're not taking the situation over.

Same woman.

Same values.

Different decision.

Your core values give you something to make your decisions from.

They don't make every decision for you.

And this is where I want you to reconsider something.

You may have been telling yourself that if you really knew what you wanted, the right decision would be obvious.

But knowing yourself doesn't guarantee that every decision becomes easy.

Sometimes clarity isn't knowing exactly what to do.

Sometimes clarity is understanding what you're choosing between.

That's a very different way of looking at indecision.

Instead of asking, “What's wrong with me? Why can't I make up my mind?” you can begin asking, “What matters to me on both sides of this decision?”

Now you're not treating difficulty as evidence that you don't know yourself.

You're using what you know about yourself to understand why the decision feels difficult in the first place.

Sometimes Your Values Aren't What's Making the Decision

Then there are the decisions where you already know.

You know what you want.

You know what matters.

You might've made the decision in your head three days ago.

But you're still not doing it.

That's when I want you to get curious about what's actually getting the final vote.

Because you can value peace...

and let guilt make the decision.

You can value growth...

and let fear make the decision.

You can value financial stability...

and let appearances make the decision.

You can value honesty...

and let avoiding conflict make the decision.

You can value freedom...

and let other people's expectations make the decision.

Your values didn't disappear.

They just weren't given authority.

And I want to be careful here.

Feeling fear doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice.

Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice either.

Someone being disappointed with you definitely doesn't automatically mean you're making the wrong choice.

I think some of us have spent a long time confusing:

"Somebody doesn't like my decision"

with:

"I made the wrong decision."

Those are two different things.

Alignment isn't measured by how comfortable a choice feels.

An aligned choice can be scary.

It can disappoint somebody.

It can require sacrifice.

It can create uncertainty.

It can even make you sad.

The question is whether you understand what you're choosing and why.

Which brings us to an important distinction about what values alignment actually requires.

Living According to Your Values Doesn't Mean Always Choosing Yourself

We've heard a lot about choosing yourself.

And for women who have spent years putting themselves last, I understand why that message hits.

But I don't believe the goal is to move from:

"Everybody else always comes first."

to:

"I always come first."

That's still a rule making the decision for you.

It's just a different rule.

There are sacrifices you've made for people you love that you might make again today.

There are sacrifices I've made that I would make again.

Knowing myself better doesn't mean I would automatically keep every Saturday, every dollar, every opportunity or every ounce of my energy for myself.

Sometimes the people I love are going to matter more in a particular moment.

But I want to know that I chose it.

That's the difference.

Imagine two women cancel the exact same plan because someone they love needs them.

The first woman pauses.

She acknowledges that she wanted that time.

She considers whether she's actually needed.

She considers what this will cost her.

She thinks about what matters to her.

And then she says:

"I'm choosing to be there."

The second woman gets the call and immediately says:

"Okay, I'll come."

She never considers her plans.

Never considers whether somebody else could help.

Never considers what she needs.

It doesn't even occur to her that she had a decision to make.

She disappears from the equation.

From the outside, these women made the exact same sacrifice.

Internally?

Those are two completely different relationships with self.

And that's the realization I want you to have:

A life that reflects your values isn't a life where you always choose yourself. It's a life where you finally include yourself in the choice.

You don't have to look backward at every sacrifice you've ever made and decide you abandoned yourself.

Some choices came from love.

Some came from commitment.

Some came from values you still hold.

Some helped create parts of your life you're incredibly proud of.

And yes, some may have come from guilt, fear or believing it was your responsibility to make everything okay for everybody.

You can't go backward and put yourself into decisions that have already been made.

But you can include yourself in the next one.

Not because you matter more than everybody else.

Because you matter too.

Two Questions for Making Values-Based Decisions

I don't want you turning values alignment into another complicated personal-development assignment.

You don't need a worksheet every time somebody asks you to dinner.

And please don't stand in the grocery store trying to determine which cereal best represents the woman you're becoming.

We don't have to do all that.

But when you notice yourself second-guessing a meaningful decision, automatically saying yes, asking everybody what they think, or talking yourself out of something you know you want, pause.

Ask:

1. What matters to me in this decision?

Maybe it's peace.

Family.

Freedom.

Security.

Growth.

Honesty.

Connection.

Maybe several things matter.

Name them.

Then ask:

2. What am I allowing to lead?

That's the question that'll tell on you a little bit.

What matters might be peace.

What's leading might be guilt.

What matters might be growth.

What's leading might be fear.

What matters might be connection.

What's leading might simply be habit.

And sometimes the answer will be exactly what you hoped.

"Family matters to me, and I'm intentionally allowing family to lead this decision."

Great.

The goal isn't always to change the decision.

The goal is to understand it.

Journal Prompt: Think about one decision you've been going back and forth about. What matters to you in this decision, and what has been getting the final vote?

Your Values Have to Live Somewhere

Values alignment doesn't only happen during life-changing decisions.

Sometimes alignment looks like Tuesday.

You say connection matters, so you put your phone down and give somebody you love your attention.

You say financial stability matters, so you don't spend money you don't have because you're embarrassed to say no.

You say growth matters, so you submit the application you've been staring at.

You say peace matters, so you stop filling every open space on your calendar.

You say freedom matters, so you pause before automatically accepting another responsibility.

Little choices.

Regular life.

That's where your values have to live.

Not just in your journal.

Not just on the list.

In your Tuesday.

And you're going to make choices that don't align sometimes.

An old pattern may take over.

Fear or guilt may influence a decision more than you realized.

You may choose one responsibility and later recognize that something else needed more attention.

Or you may simply learn something about yourself that you couldn't see clearly until after the choice was made.

Okay.

Notice it.

Adjust.

Choose again.

Living according to your values is not another standard you have to perform perfectly.

Your life changes.

Your relationships change.

Your responsibilities change.

You change.

So alignment requires an ongoing relationship with yourself.

You keep asking:

Does the way I'm living still reflect what matters to me?

And when the answer is no, you don't necessarily need to blow up your entire life.

Sometimes you just need to make a different choice next time.

And if there's one thing I want you to carry with you from this, it's this:

Alignment isn't always choosing yourself. It's choosing with yourself included.

You don't need to choose yourself every time.

You don't need every decision to be obvious.

And you don't need to create a perfectly aligned life by Monday morning.

Just stop automatically leaving yourself out of the conversation.

Because one intentional choice isn't your whole life.

But one choice becomes another.

And another.

Eventually choices become patterns.

Patterns shape your days.

Your days shape the way you live.

And that's when this becomes bigger than identifying your core values.

You're creating a life that reflects them.

You're learning to live purposefully.

And that's exactly where we're going next in the Life Purpose Makeover.

Because purpose isn't something you finally find once you've figured everything out.

It's something you intentionally live.

One choice at a time.

Your Next Step

If you're reading this and realizing, "I don't actually know what my core values are," start with my free Core Values Finder.

And if you know what matters to you but you're ready for deeper support creating a life that actually reflects the woman you're becoming, Life Purpose Makeover™ is where we do that work together.

For today, though, start here:

What matters to me in this decision?

What am I allowing to lead?

Then make room for your own answer.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I align my life with my values?

Start by getting clear about what actually matters to you, then pay attention to whether those values are influencing your everyday choices.

When you're facing a meaningful decision, ask yourself:

What matters to me in this decision?

Then ask:

What am I allowing to lead?

The goal isn't to make a perfect choice every time. It's to become more aware of whether you're choosing from what matters to you or automatically letting guilt, fear, habit or other people's expectations make the decision.

What does it mean to live according to your values?

Living according to your values means allowing what matters to you to influence how you use your time, energy, attention, money and other resources, as well as how you make decisions.

It doesn't mean every choice will be easy.

And it definitely doesn't mean you'll always choose yourself.

It means you're participating consciously in the choices that create your life instead of automatically following rules and expectations you may never have chosen for yourself.

What happens when two of my core values conflict?

First, recognize that having competing values doesn't mean you're confused.

You might value family and peace. Security and growth. Connection and independence.

Both can matter.

Instead of asking which value is "right," ask:

Which value needs to lead in this particular decision?

Choosing one right now doesn't mean the other stopped mattering. You're deciding what needs priority in this situation.

Why do I make choices that don't align with my values?

Sometimes you know exactly what matters to you, but something else gets more authority when the decision is made.

That could be fear.

Guilt.

Habit.

Approval.

Obligation.

Other people's expectations.

That doesn't mean your values aren't real. It means there's a gap between what matters to you and what's currently influencing your choices.

Noticing that gap gives you an opportunity to choose differently.

Does living according to my values mean putting myself first?

No.

Living according to your values isn't about moving from "Everybody else always comes first" to "I always come first."

Sometimes family may lead your decision.

Sometimes peace may lead.

Sometimes generosity.

Sometimes freedom.

Sometimes you may intentionally sacrifice something because another person or responsibility deeper matters to you.

The difference is that you don't automatically disappear from the decision.

Alignment isn't always choosing yourself. It's choosing with yourself included.

How do I know if I'm living in alignment with my values?

Look at your actual life.

Where does your time go?

What receives your attention?

What do you protect?

What keeps getting pushed aside?

What are you consistently saying yes to?

What are you spending your energy and money on?

Don't use the answers to judge yourself. Use them as information.

Then ask:

Does the way I'm living reflect what I say matters to me?

You may discover areas that already fit you beautifully and others where you want to begin making different choices.

Can my personal values change over time?

Yes. As your life, responsibilities, relationships and understanding of yourself change, the way you prioritize your values can change too.

Something that needed to lead during one season of your life may not need the same priority forever.

That's why values alignment isn't something you complete once.

It's an ongoing relationship with yourself.

How can I stop second-guessing my decisions?

Start by separating difficulty deciding from not knowing what you want.

Sometimes you're second-guessing yourself because two things that matter to you are competing. Other times, you know what you want but you're uncomfortable with what that choice might cost.

Instead of immediately asking everyone else what they think, pause long enough to ask yourself:

What matters to me here?

What am I allowing to lead?

You can still seek advice. The goal isn't to stop listening to other people.

It's to stop treating everybody else's opinion as more trustworthy than your own.

Key Takeaways

• Knowing your core values doesn't automatically mean your everyday choices reflect them.

• A difficult decision doesn't always mean you're confused. Sometimes two things you deeply value are competing. 

• Fear, guilt, habit and other people's expectations can influence your choices even when you're clear about what matters to you.

• Living according to your values doesn't require always putting yourself first. It requires including yourself in the decision.

• Alignment is something you practice through ordinary, intentional choices, not something you achieve perfectly once.